Chapter 4.5: Life and death / Implanted Seed - Seed -
- Clover Z
- May 13
- 4 min read
Life and death
Loneliness is surely something that exists for everyone, adorned in various disguises. It is something that cannot be understood even when confided in others, something only we can comprehend.
I like loneliness. The more I am alone, the closer I feel to my essence. The unidentified guilt and the tainted aspects of myself appear to be purified only by music.
When there are many people around, sometimes I feel loneliness due to the difference in temperature. It's like the slow-motion button has been pressed, and I find myself immersed in prolonged contemplation that no one else experiences.
However, the sensation I feel when I go alone to take photos overseas is different. Nobody pays me any attention, and there are no friends or acquaintances. There are no familiar cafes. Becoming "lonely" in a world where language is different, I feel somewhat liberated. It's when I can truly be alone in the essential sense that I realize I am struggling within the ambiguously created concept of "myself." I realize that I am trying to soar within my small, small world.
During the COVID-19 pandemic since the end of 2019, many people have passed away. It includes not only those who contracted the novel coronavirus but also those who chose to take their own lives. It is not limited to the pandemic, but there may be people who departed without confiding in anyone about what they were silently carrying. There are realms that cannot be understood by anyone, no matter how close they are, and there are things that can never be communicated no matter how hard one tries.
I am constantly troubled within my creative process. No matter what I am doing, various matters in my mind await answers.
But strangely, I don't have many worries. And if there are any, they are trivial worries. Like wanting to buy a Roomba but worrying that it might get tangled in the guitar cable, or that I would need to constantly tidy up the studio to let the Roomba run freely. Or how after a live performance, I can't sit comfortably on a chair due to my legs being swollen from stepping on the effects pedals too much. They are insignificant worries. Everything is consumed by music, and perhaps there's something wrong with the worry-generating organ in my brain.
I may have created a wall that makes it impossible for anyone else to understand the essential parts I carry within myself. Worries that cannot be destroyed by anyone other than myself, without even the option of consulting someone, gradually disappear as I become engrossed in music. I don't particularly like the expression "saved by music," but the pain and joy I experience while creating rush through my mind like the speed of light and captivate me. I don't think, "Let me be of help to someone," but if a song that I have dedicated everything to becomes a ray of light for someone, it brings an indescribable joy.
Occasionally, I feel despair in my creative process or during live performances.
"I can't do it anymore."
"I can't sing anymore."
However, in my case, the despair I feel when my thoughts cannot be realized or when I can't sing the songs I want doesn't lead me towards "death."
Rather, it makes me sense "life" due to the stress of having to find my own solutions without being able to blame anyone. It's like saying, "I'm actually doing quite well in life." It's like finally remembering the sensation of breathing when my neck is being gradually squeezed.
Now that I've reached the age of 40, I might be halfway through my life. Even if that's not the case, since I was born into this world, I don't know what might happen at any moment. However, I can vividly imagine the sound of live performances, of music, right up until that final moment.
We pour all our time and life into music. How wonderful is that? We can continuously refine something with far greater clarity and purity than a farewell letter. Recently, I've been thinking that there is no happier profession.
This applies not only to the world of music but also to other realms such as films, dramas, anime, manga, and novels, where the creations continue to exist.
Regardless of where someone's final mark is made, it may be at the very end that their entire life comes together as a "perfect" work. Even if the soul that judges its own unfinished creation is no longer present, I have a feeling that it finally achieves completion there.
This is not just about me; it also applies to those who listen to music. The music we listen to at the end, the live performances we see at the end, they may very well become ours. Somewhere along the line, I developed an awareness that my engagement with music is an energy of its own.
Whether it is my final moment or yours, may it forever resonate as an impactful finale.
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